Instincts

When the instincts kick in and every atom of my being says fight, and Bahá’u’lláh said “Contention and strife are a no wise permitted in this day”, Shoghi Effendi’s predictions of mental test tear me apart.

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Steadfastness

Firmness in the covenant is standing calmly in the eye of the hurricane the torrential force wind blows around you and it is the only calm we will know

walking dead

Do you watch The Walking Dead?

Every day

they walked on the street

with meth and heroin

In their veins

ecstasy rolls through them

drunk on the

latest bottle

Holes eaten in their brain

until they can’t think

or reason

it is only the next fix

they look for

they are

The Walking Dead

they are the ones

who drugs replace their

soul

A reflection – I did my best

1Blessed is the spot, and the house, and the place, and the city, and the heart, and the mountain, and the refuge, and the cave, and the valley, and the land, and the sea, and the island, and the meadow where mention of God hath been made, and His praise glorified.

2 (“Bahá’í Prayers: A Selection of Prayers Revealed by Bahá’u’lláh, the Báb, and `Abdu’l-Bahá”, 1985 ed. (Wilmette: Bahá’í Publishing Trust, 1985))

As i try and move into the next phase of my life i keep going over my past and my decisions. Wondering was i right did i make the right choices.

O maid-servants of the Merciful! It is incumbent upon you to train the children from their earliest babyhood! It is incumbent upon you to beautify their morals! It is incumbent upon you to attend to them under all aspects and circumstances, inasmuch as God – glorified and exalted is He! – hath ordained mothers to be the primary trainers of children and infants. This is a great and important affair and a high and exalted position, and it is not allowable to slacken therein at all!

~Abdu’l-Baha: Education, p. 290

When i left high school i wanted to be a graphic designer but i got pregnant during classes with my son. By the time i finished school Zac was two months old and we went to join my husband at the time up in Denver. I couldn’t work with a baby and no support network.

The marriage fell apart quickly but not before i got pregnant with my daughter. By the time she was born we were separated.

After returning to New Mexico i tried to find work as a graphic designer but i only found direct care work. I had kids to feed, No time to be picky. But I lost that job and went back to school. as a single parent I was able to graduate with a BA in media arts and the kids survived, actually they did very well.

My second husband and i were married, he stepped in, and became DAD. He is not easy to live with but his devotion to my children makes it tolerable.

I went to work at the news station as an editor and photo journalist, that only lasted for three years. The news the lack of sleep and my in ability to detach from other people and their pain. Not enjoying the suffering of others that some people in the newsroom seem to thrive on. at that exact same time I was also taking care of my mother as she declined in to the Mensha dementia., Two teenage kids, and uncaring job, and a mother going crazy sent me right over the edge.

I came back from that and tried construction. Well that ended with a fall, a bad fall.

1 Comfort thy mother and endeavour to do what is conducive to the happiness of her heart….

2 (`Abdu’l-Bahá, “Tablets of Abdul-Bahá Abbas”, vol. 1 (Chicago: Bahá’í Publishing Committee, 1930), p. 74

So for the last 10 years I took care of my mother until her death, my kids into adulthood and regained my health. All the while lamenting not having a paycheck. we hold so much value on earning of a paycheck, with no value of those who take care of the home and the family. My self-worth was tied up with the bringing in the money. But I did good.

3 We have caused thee to return to thy home as a token of Our mercy unto thy mother, inasmuch as We have found her overwhelmed with sorrow. We have enjoined you in the Book “to worship no one but God and to show kindness to your parents”. Thus hath the one true God spoken and the decree hath been fulfilled by the Almighty, the All-Wise. Therefore We have caused thee to return unto her and unto thy sister, that your mother’s eyes may thereby be cheered, and she may be of the thankful.

4

5 Say, O My people! Show honour to your parents and pay homage to them. This will cause blessings to descend upon you from the clouds of the bounty of your Lord, the Exalted, the Great.
When We learned of her sadness, We directed thee to return unto her, as a token of mercy unto thee from Our presence, and as an admonishment for others.
Beware lest ye commit that which would sadden the hearts of your fathers and mothers. Follow ye the path of Truth which indeed is a straight path. Should anyone give you a choice between the opportunity to render a service to Me and a service to them, choose ye to serve them, and let such service be a path leading you to Me. This is My exhortation and command unto thee. Observe therefore that which thy Lord, the Mighty, the Gracious, hath prescribed unto thee.
(Bahá’u’lláh, from a Tablet-translated from the Arabic)

Someday

Every time I speak I seem to annoy you

Hear the comments about how someone else will

take care me when I am old

None want to hear me

No more visits

You are going to move far away

Perhaps a joke but it hurts

Don’t worry my time here is but a blink of an eye

Don’t worry the time quickly approaches when you will never have to list to me again

You will not take care of me when I am old I will off somewhere

You will be lucky to see me once a year

if I am even here

Perhaps I will never grow old

Stress

I am always trying to fix things. I always felt it was my responsibility to fix things/people that are wrong. Where did this ego of mine get the idea not only that it could but it was its responsibility to fix everything? Taking on responsibilities for other people. This is the definition of codependence, and of been raised in an alcoholic household, for me.

A friend told me I don’t deal with stress well. The reality is, I take to much stress on that is not mine and nobody can deal with that much.

When i am losing my detachment from other people and their problems i cannot handle any stress because i have theirs as well as mine. Anger when people don’t change the way i want. Which leads to a feeling of unworthiness.

Thy letter was received. Thou has written ‘I am not worthy.’ Who is worthier than thee? Hast thou not been worthy, thou wouldst not have turned to God and wouldst not have wished to enter the Kingdom.

Thy worthiness has guided thee until this blessing and bounty have encompassed thee.

Abdul-bahá Fire and Gold pg 212

The Baha’i faith just seems to feed codependency very well with its focus on service. I believed i was being obedient to the writings in serving everybody even when it is a detriment to myself.

Abdu’l-Bahá moved, on the 27th, to the hotel in Rue Lauriston where He had stayed before. He was very tired, and needed a few days’ rest before people learned where He resided.  (H.M. Balyuzi, ‘Abdu’l-Bahá – The Centre of the Covenant, p. 393)

But i needed to learn to be just with myself as well as with others.

Be patient with others and our own selves

We must not only be patient with others, infinitely patient!, But also with her own poor selves, remembering that even the Prophets of God sometimes got tired and cried out in despair!

Written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi Fire and Gold pg 223

from the writings i find things on self care and rest.

990. Protect Your Health by Sleeping Enough

“Regarding your question: There are very few people who can get along without eight hours sleep. If you are not one of those, you should protect your health by sleeping enough. The Guardian himself finds that it impairs his working capacity if he does not try and get a minimum of seven or eight hours.”

Excerpt From: Helen Bassett Hornby. “Lights of Guidance.”

It is now your duty as a Bahá’í, and specially as a young believer who has still great services to render the Faith, to make every effort to recover your health, and to be confident that by making such an effort you will be attracting the confirmations of Bahá’u’lláh, without which no true and lasting healing is possible.”

(From a letter written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer, July 17, 1937)”

The necessity of rest and relaxation

… you should not neglect your health, but consider it that means which enables you to serve. It-the body-is like a horse which carries the personality and spirit, and as such should be well cared for so it can do it’s work! You should certainly safeguard your nerves, and force yourself to take Time, and not only for prayer and meditation, but for real rest and relaxation.

written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi

Fire and Gold pg 223

Working on it.